Top of my list is the strange mixture of eccentricity and banality that is Gwyneth Paltrow. Through the auspices of her website, Goop, I learn that Ms Paltrow is returning to her "day job". Ironically, Oscar-winner Gwyneth feels she has to enlarge on what this day job actually entails "(filming a movie)" in case I have forgotten what it is she does, apart from wear ovary-skimming dresses and have lunch with Madonna.
I like to think Gwyneth writes Goop herself, because if she doesn't, she needs to sack her copy editor pronto. She's had a good look through the Spring collections, has Gwyneth, and she's not noticed anything particularly revolutionary. Indeed, "They are still selling gladiators that are almost identical to the ones I got last spring." Really? Gladiators like, you know, Spartacus? Or the kind that wears a leotard? Frustratingly, Gwyneth does not say.
However, she is prepared to share one or two insider tips for her readers' Spring wardrobes, tips which I will be following the minute I have any money. What should I wear to cater for the warm/cool/changeable Spring weather, Gwyneth? Like a fashion confucius, she is on hand to set us on the right track. Trenchcoat, jeans and a pair of flats. Who knew?
She's on less sure ground though when she tells us that jumpsuits "work well with any shape". What shapes would those be, Gwyn? Twiglet? Toothpick? And Gwyneth models a jumpsuit for us herself, her botoxed face failing to expunge the embarrassed gleam in her eye that says "Uh-oh. I look crap, don't I?"
[Photo: GOOP.com]
Oh, Drew Barrymore. Heidi meets Racing Stripes.
But look! She's not the only one!
Only Gwen Stefani looks comfortable, as indeed she should, the dress being her own L.A.M.B. label. Thandi's mouth is smiling but her eyes suggest that the minute she gets home, that Giles Deacon frock is going straight on E-bay. And as for Sienna's Calvin Klein ensemble: the whole outfit smacks of indecision. "Do I pull the dress up a bit? What about pulling the shoulders down a bit? Up a bit? Down a bit? Just, sort of, you know, crumple it a bit? Oh crap. There's no time to blow-dry my hair now."
Don't we all want to look like a half sucked humbug, or in the case of the jumpsuit, the bag you took the humbugs home in ?
ReplyDeleteWhat a perfect description of both "trends". I spent ages looking at those black and white dresses and thinking: "What do they remind me of?" So thank you!
ReplyDeleteI had a white jumpsuit (from Top Shop) many, many moons ago. I am not going back there. Oh no.
Mine was primrose yellow, and sleeveless - I can say no more without the shame becoming irreversible.
ReplyDeleteIn my defence it was a VERY long time ago.
OH GOOOOOOOOOOD!!! GOOP! ARGH!!! I can't bring myself to read it, it makes me feel so utterly crap about myself and my abilities as a mother that I have to steer clear. Did you read the Goop newsletter that Mrs Trefusis sent round, about the toxins that we expose our children to and how they are responsible for all manner of ills? Just soooooooo depressing and who the bloody hell can afford the organic everything lifestyle?
ReplyDeleteVery belated I'm afraid, only just back online properly today after crap period of internet cold turkey, otherwise known as a holiday - but very, very sorry to learn of the death of your friend. Just awful.
The jumpsuit! OMG! Personally, it would leave me looking like a circus clown...a goth circus clown at that!! No, no, no I do not like Goop (but I liked your post).
ReplyDeleteOne and only visit to Jumpsuit land was age 12, we called them Flying suits back then. (Bought with mum from Tammy Girl). Chosen for disco on school ski trip. Wet myself laughing at spotty, sweaty boys trying to dance. Not that easy to do Madonna armpit dryer routine on crotch, unless you're spiderman or don't mind standing naked in dodgy Austrian loos.
ReplyDeleteNeedless to say I've never done 'suits' of any description since.