Oh Grow Up

Returning from one of my regular, shrill lectures to my teen son about being of an age (16) where he ought to start taking responsibility and understanding that it is about time he started to grow up and revise for his very important GCSE exams, I expect a thunderbolt to crash through my kitchen ceiling any minute, striking me down as punishment for my appalling hypocrisy. I'm happy to harp on, insisting that preparation is everything, yet I wait until a deadline is breathing down my neck before I do anything myself. It took the advent of Google Street View to frighten me into sanding down and re-painting the rusted railings outside my house, and pulling out all of last year's withered, brown and crispy bedding plants from the variety of knackered terracotta pots that reside in the tiny "area" that is definitely not a garden. Is it a terrace? Er, an outdoor "space"? Whatever, it was a mess and it was only the thought of this fetid mush of bin bags, rust and dead foliage being photographed for publication on the Net that made me sort it out.

What else should I do to set a good example to the Spawn? They're not accepting, biddable little toddlers any more. They're capable of making their own, considered judgements now and are quite happy to interrupt my rants with completely irrefutable remarks regarding my own failings. My previous fallback position of: "Never mind what Mummy does, that's not your concern," just doesn't cut it.

I have therefore vowed that from now on, I will:

Work with neglected children. Preferably my own, although guarantees cannot be given.

Open my bank statements when they arrive, not file them down the back of the hall table.

Ditto credit card statements.

Develop a lasting friendship with at least one man who isn’t gay (re guarantees: see first point).

Hand my mobile phone to a trusted friend before embarking on a night out, to stop me from ringing old/ex boyfriends when I am cocooned in a happy cocktail-induced haze.

Expunge from my mobile phone all the numbers that I either never call or have no idea who they are, but only keep in my phone to reassure myself that I have the acceptable number of friends.

Tolerate fools better, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.

Stop correcting people’s grammar and pronunciation (with one exception: anyone who says “pacific” instead of “specific” must be punished ruthlessly).

Give up drinking alcohol.

Except at parties.

And when having dinner with friends.

And when I’ve had a hard day.

Empty the cat litter tray on a regular basis instead of waiting until it looks like an IRA dirty protest.

Stop spending hours on Twitter whilst pretending it is "work”.

Stop dating men who have no recollection of Charles and Di's wedding because they weren't born then.

It's over to you now, people. What will you vow to do in future?

I have been asked to publish the following anonymously. Read it and I think you will see why...

I vow never again to clean the rim of the en suite toilet with husband's toothbrush - unless under extreme provocation - for heaven's sake it's not unreasonable of me to expect him not to say hello.

I will not feign how much I will miss him whenever he travels away from home. I will not plot & plan dastardly things I could do whenever he is away from home. (Sadly these only ever stay at the plotting and planning stage - but infidelity is a state of mind, is it not?)

I vow never to swear again (however elegantly, relevantly and indeed, in received pronunciation) and then tell my child that it would be quite wrong to copy Mummy

I will not encourage my child to read books or watch programmes that are way out of his age group because I need someone intelligent to discuss them with & husband doesn't come into that category.

Never again will I allow myself to play the drunken dialling game. No-one wants to hear from me at 3.00am no matter how much they profess to love me.

I will never visit any of my inlaw's homes again and deliberately break something.

Easier actually just never to visit any of my inlaw's homes again.

I will never again express surprise when my child finds nefarious substances in my office drawer and then say "What a silly place for Mummy to have put her herbal tea". (I vow to find a safer hiding place).

I vow never again to have a period that lasts for three solid months and will revert to trusted method of telling my husband that I have a headache like normal women do.

I will never again speak to ex boyfriends when husband is at home. They do not like to be called Susan or Hermione.

I vow never again to mark letters from banks or building societies and then send them back with the advice that I refuse to respond to them until they start to write in proper English.

I will not giggle uncontrollably at funerals.

I will not make a stye look much worse than it is by adding purple & green eye make up.

I will be honest when books arrive for me from Amazon & will stop telling husband how lovely it is of best friend to have sent gifts to me.

I will generally become a much nicer person and will stop being sarcastic.

I will try hard to stop lying about becoming a nicer person and not being sarcastic.